Today's jokes [2.24.11]
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It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family are just
waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at
the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks
into his big bowl. It is also empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen
and screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through
this? I haven't made the fucking porridge yet!!"
Question: What's the penalty for bigamy?
Answer: Two mothers-in-law
Two truck drivers arrive in front of a tunnel. The sign says MAXIMUM
HEIGHT 3 METERS. The first driver measures his truck and says, "Damn...3
The second one looks furtively around and says, "No police, anywhere. We
The bartender asks him "What'll you have?". The guy answers,
"A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink, and
says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What are
you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this".
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation,
then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In
the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon
acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The
bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you
beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says,
"What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've
got the audacity to come back!".
The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in
this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm
very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."
Great A Hot & Juicy Story
Well, I was loafin' around the salad bar at the burger stand one chili
day on Coney Island, when I Frito-Lay'd my eyes on the sweetest little
tomato I'd ever seen. Let's just say I could tell she wasn't gonna be
ice-cold or taste like some of those cheaper spreads I'd eaten.
So I mustard up my courage and I whispered, "Hey, Mama Bird! You got a
sweet set of sesame-seed buns, and I'd live to bury my open-face in
your McMuffin snack pack. And maybe later I could drive-in my Jumbo
Jack in your Box. So, what's your name, anyway?"
"Wendy," she replied, and said that her buns were always hot and
fresh. Well, it seemed like an invitation to me, so I unzipped my
French-fly, pulled down my hash-browns and whipped out my
She took one look at my foot-long Weinerschnitzel and said, "Holy
enchirito, what a Whopper! I haven't seen a sausage and a pair of
McNuggets like that since I was in the sack with Long John Silver over
at the Colonel's place, and I probably won't see another 'til Foster
freezes over. And believe me, I relish the thought of squeezin' the
mayonnaise right outta that big Sloppy Joe of yours."
I said, "Look, honey...those meatheads are just horseradish. I'm the
supreme Burger King around here. And by the way, aren't you hungry?"
"Yeah," she shot back, "I haven't even had my breakfast, Jack." It
wasn't long before she was munching on my Big Mac and eventually took
down the whole enchilada. I could tell I wouldn't be able to hold the
pickles or hold the lettuce much longer, so I just blew a whole gallon
of my lo-cal secret sauce to go. She took a big gulp and giggled,
"Oooh, that's fast food. A bit salty, but quality you can taste...and
finger lickin' good, too!"
She said, "So what's yer name, hot dog? Orange you Julius?"
"No," I replied, but you can call me Pizza Man, 'cause I deliver!"
Well anyway, I turned her around, tore off her wrapper, and wedged my
Big Boy between her patties and right up into her hot cherry bendover.
She screamed, "I FOUND THE BEEF, I FOUND THE BEEF!" which just gave me
the urge to keep pounding my SuperBurrito in and out...in and
out...and in and out...and in and out of her hot little micro.
Well, we were still playing Pup 'n' Taco , when she confessed her real
name wasn't Wendy...but Ronald.
Hey, it wasn't my bag, but at least I wouldn't have to worry about
taking her over to see Dr. Pepper to have him pull a Carl's Jr. out of
Yeah, little did I know that I had spend the night not with a saucy
little fish filet, but with a flaming Dairy Queen!
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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