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Today's jokes [2.23.11]

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A decorated war veteran, fresh off the bus, is looking for a place to 
stay. He hears that room and board is available from the three old 
spinsters at the edge of town, but is advised they are very picky in 
letting strangers stay there.  He decides to chance it, and limps on up to 
the front door.
His knock is answered by Gladys.  "What do you want, sonny?" she asks him.
"Ma'am, I'm just looking for a hot meal and a room for the night," he
answers.
The other two old spinsters gather around the door.  "Who's out there? 
Does he look decent?" they ask.
Gladys says, "It's a soldier, and he's got a Purple Heart on."
The other two spinsters giggle and say, "The hell with what color it is...
let him in!"

1. 




Two Scotsmen met 25 years after their last get-together. They hugged and 
slapped each others back and tears formed in their eyes as they renewed 
their old friendship.
"Let's have a drink like we did in the old days," the first Scot
winked at his mate.
"Aye," his mate replied. "And don't forget it's your shout."

2. 




   One night the Norse god Thor was feeling a bit horny so he decided to
   come down to earth
   to satisfy his needs. He picked up a good looking woman with a great
   shape and they went
   to her apartment she only had one small problem, she had a speech
   impediment, but this
   didn't affect their sex. They went at it hot and heavy all night long
   then in the morning
   Thor had to leave so he decided he should at least tell her his name,
   so he said to her, "I'm
   Mighty Thor and I have to leave now." She looked at him and said,
   "You're thore I'm tho
   thore I can hardly pith."
   


3. 




If Cray made toasters...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than
any other single-slice toaster in the world, at least
for a couple of years.

4. 




   This little boy and his grandfather are fishing. Granddad pulls out a
   beer and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I have one of those?"
   
   Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to
   which the little boy responds "No."
   
   "Then you can't have one."
   
   A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I
   have on of those?"
   
   Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to
   which the little boy responds "No."
   
   "Then you can't have one."
   
   Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and
   each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says
   "I just won $50,000"
   
   Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?"
   
   The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your
   asshole?"
   
   "Yes," Says grandpa.
   
   "Then go fuck yourself"
   


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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