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Today's jokes [2.22.11]

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A lady was in a hardware store looking at a 
fishing poles. She asked the store manager how 
much it was he said 'I am blind drop it on the 
ground and i'll tell ya. She dropped it on the 
ground.'Aahh that's 10.00.' 
She bent down and let a big fart that everyone 
heard. But, she really wanted the pole so she 
picked it up. And went to pay for it. 'That 
will be 20.00' 
'But you said 10.00' 
'10.00 extra for the stink bait and duck call.


A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. 
The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm 

The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He 
managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing 
anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed 
so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer.

"It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it stunk like 
hell!" said the boy.

"Oh, shit!" said the farmer. "You've shot the wife!"


What do West Virginians call a pretty woman?

                    A tourist.


The Math Test 

California officials have determined that students would probably do better with math word 
problems, if they could relate them to real life examples. Towards that end, may I present:

                                      The City of Los Angeles
                                 High School Math Proficiency Exam


   1.Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 
     times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attempt before he 
     has to reload? 

   2.Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to 
     Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he 
     doesn't cut it? 

   3.Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks 
     will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800-per-day crack habit? 

   4.Jarome want to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of 
     cut will he need? 

   5.Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4X4. If he has 
     stolen 2 BMWs, 3 4X4s, how many Chevies will he have to steal to make $800? 

   6.Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law 
     wife is spending $425 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison, 
     and how many years is he likely to get for killing the bitch that spent his money? 

   7.If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, 
     how many letters can be sprayed with 3 cans of paint? 

   8.Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of 
     the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up? 

   9.Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets $234 a month 
     welfare for each child. If her $325 per month rent goes up 15%, how many more children 
     should she have to keep up with her expenses? 

  10.Salvador was arrested for dealing crack & his bail was set at $25,000. If he pays a bail 
     bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how much money will he lose by jumping bail?



This was allegedly posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website, 
by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humour. The company,
of course, does not have a sense of humour and made the web department
take it down immediately.

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft.

In order to protect your new investment; please take a few moments to
fill out the warranty registration card below.  Answering the survey 
questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop
new products that best meet your needs and desires.

 1.    [_] Mr.
       [_] Mrs.
       [_] Ms.
       [_] Miss
       [_] Lt.
       [_] Gen.
       [_] Comrade
       [_] Classified
       [_] Other

 First Name: .....................................................
 Initial: ........
 Last Name......................................................
 Password: .............................. (max. 8 char)
 Code Name:......................................................
 Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ...........

 2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase?
 [_] F-14 Tomcat
 [_] F-15 Eagle
 [_] F-16 Falcon
 [_] F-117A Stealth
 [_] Classified

 3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): ....... /....... /......

 4. Serial Number: ...............................................

 5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:
 [_] Received as gift / aid package
 [_] Catalogue / showroom
 [_] Independent arms broker
 [_] Mail order
 [_] Discount store
 [_] Government surplus
 [_] Classified

 6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas 
product you  have just purchased:
 [_] Heard loud noise, looked up
 [_] Store display
 [_] Espionage
 [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
 [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
 [_] Was attacked by one

 7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your
 to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
 [_] Style / appearance
 [_] Speed / manoeuvrability
 [_] Price / value
 [_] Comfort / convenience
 [_] Kickback / bribe
 [_] Recommended by salesperson
 [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
 [_] Advanced Weapons Systems
 [_] Backroom politics
 [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

 8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:
 [_] North America
 [_] Iraq
 [_] Iraq
 [_] Aircraft carrier
 [_] Iraq
 [_] Europe
 [_] Iraq
 [_] Middle East (not Iraq)
 [_] Panama
 [_] Africa
 [_] Iraq
 [_] Asia / Far East
 [_] Iraq
 [_] Misc. Third World countries
 [_] Iraq
 [_] Classified
 [_] Iraq

 9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to 
purchase  in the near future:
 [_] Colour TV
 [_] VCR
 [_] ICBM
 [_] Killer Satellite
 [_] CD Player
 [_] Air-to-Air Missiles
 [_] Space Shuttle
 [_] Home Computer
 [_] Nuclear Weapon

 10. How would you describe yourself or your organisation?  (Indicate
all that apply:)
 [_] Communist / Socialist
 [_] Terrorist
 [_] Crazed
 [_] Nice Person
 [_] Democratic
 [_] Dictatorship
 [_] Corrupt
 [_] Primitive / Tribal

 11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
 [_] Deficit spending
 [_] Cash
 [_] Suitcases of cocaine
 [_] Oil revenues
 [_] Personal check
 [_] Credit card
 [_] Ransom money
 [_] Traveller's check

 12. Your occupation:
 [_] Homemaker
 [_] Sales / marketing
 [_] Revolutionary
 [_] Clerical
 [_] Mercenary
 [_] Tyrant
 [_] Middle management
 [_] Eccentric billionaire
 [_] Defence Minister / General
 [_] Retired
 [_] Work At Post Office

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers
will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you
better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and
special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups and
mysterious consortia.  As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will 
be  registered to win a brand new F-117A in our War Not Peace Sweepstakes!


BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD

Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.


PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

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