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Today's jokes [2.2.11]

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OUCH! 
A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloody 
restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman 
had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that 
they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with 
passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to 
the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her
to clamp 
down on the man's member and wrench it from side to side. In agony 
and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head 
until she let go. 

1. 




The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer
tip:
Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with "R.E. Danforth's
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"

2. 




A hundred prostitutes in Washington D.C. were 
asked if they would ever sleep with President 
Clinton. 60% said, 'Never again!'

3. 




A business man got on an elevator in a building.  When he entered the
elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, 
"T-G-I-F"  (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said 
as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, 
"S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F,
Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."



4. 




A Modest Essay 

3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW 
YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: 
ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU 
HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON? 

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have 
been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more 
efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for 
Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. 
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. 
i woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot 
bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook 
Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a 
veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly 
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious 
army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the 
subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large 
suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, 
after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. 
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. 
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I 
don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have 
been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I 
toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 
.400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international 
botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I 
once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and 
still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the 
exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed 
several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do 
sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully 
negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The 
laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On 
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years 
ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have 
made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster 
oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, 
cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. 
I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have 
spoken with Elvis. 

But I have not yet gone to college. 

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD




Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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