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Today's jokes [2.15.11]

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The Yuppie showered a Yuppette with gifts for over a month. He 
took her to fancy restaurants and expensive resorts. Finally, he 
proposed, "Bernie, if you will marry me, I have enough money 
to provide you with anything your little heart desires."

"Sorry John." she replied. "I'm not ready to settle down yet. 
And besides, you can't buy my love, but if the price is right, I 
might see my way clear to rent you some."

1. 




Did you hear about the woman who only had two chances to get pregnant?

    -She blew them both... 

2. 




            The Missionary and the Chief

            A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how
            to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he
            is to return home.

            He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was
            how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in
            the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is
            a tree."

            The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary
            is pleased with the response.

            They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and
            says, "This is a rock."

            Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

            The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when
            he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he
            sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre
            is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

            The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and
            kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that
            he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and
            kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in
            cold blood that way?

            The chief replied, "My bike."



3. 




Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the
weekly collection they kept for themselves. The first priest
explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few
paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What
landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the
circle god kept.
The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same,
except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest
and the money that landed inside the circle god kept.
The rabbi said, "I've got you both beat. I throw the money
into the air and what god wants, god takes." 

4. 




What is a man's idea of protected sex?

A padded headboard.

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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