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Today's jokes [2.10.11]

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A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking
a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is
frowning and looking put out.

The egg mutters to no one in particular,
"I guess we answered that question." 

1. 




What do you call a villager with 500 girlfriends?

A shepherd.

2. 




After a couple of years a couple wanted to have children, but nothing worked.
So they went to a doctor, and got checked over.
The doctor took time to reassure them. "Don't worry," he said, "Just take
this sample bottle home and do the necessary, and bring it back tomorrow."
So he went home feeling better, and went back the next day with his little
bottle. It was empty.
   The doctor looked at the bottle carefully, " Problems?" he said.
    "Have I ever had problems, doc.!" the man replied. " I went home and
straight upstairs, and worked at it for over half an hour. Both hands. I
tell you doc, my hands got too sore to hold it! I had to get the wife
upstairs and she had a go. But even she, with all her experience, couldn't
do it. "
    "So what did you do?" said the doctor.
    " We had a discussion, and got the mother-in-law involved. I was sure
she'd manage it, but it was no go, even when she used her mouth. And doc,
she tried with her teeth in, and her teeth out!!"
  "But nothing we tried would get the top off that bloody bottle!!!!!"

3. 




The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air
Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of 
perfectly good aircraft.  "Obviously the Air Force knows there's
no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'" the irritated 
officer finally countered one afternoon, "because they pay 
you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army
pays its men to jump."

"You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force sergeant 
replied.  "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump 
out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch
about the salary."

4. 




A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed 
by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from 
the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only 
wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. 

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the 
peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker 
attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and 
tried to get him to settle out of court. 

He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to 
take half of what he was asking. 

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, 
the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his 
success, telling the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old 
man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the 
case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the 
caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I 
didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" 

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a 
little worried about winning that case myself, because that 
durned bull came home this morning." 

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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