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Today's jokes [12.8.11]

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A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a 
gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as 
they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed 
detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and 
was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I 
was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of 
other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did 
*I* get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.

"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"

1. 




Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the
new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules,
limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated
flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many
other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable
programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and
HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3
to fix these problems, but to no avail.

--Desperate
***************************************

Dear Desperate,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0
is an operating system. Try to enter the command: "C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED
ME" and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the
applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause
Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, HappyHour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave
files.
DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In
summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory
and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional
software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and
Lingerie 5.3.

--Tech Support

2. 




How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the
world does it take to do the dishes?
      
-Both of them.

3. 




Once when Mary was young her school had a halloween party for them
mary decided to go as a pirate after she had donned her costume she
went into the family room to show her family they were impressed.
Mom said you look terrific mary you have your sabre,and your parrot on
your shoulder,and look you even have a neat sack to carry your booty,but
where are your buccaneers?
Says Mary, my buccaneers are under my buccanhat! 

4. 




This guy goes ice fishing, takes out an auger and starts drilling.
LOUD VOICE FROM ABOVE: There's no fish there.
Guy goes to another spot and drills.
LOUD VOICE FROM ABOVE: There's no fish there, either.
Guy tries a third spot.
LOUD VOICE FROM ABOVE: Nope. Not there either.
Guy, getting a little nervous: "Are you God?
LOUD VOICE FROM ABOVE: No. I'm the arena manager.

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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