Today's jokes [12.25.11]
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Q: If fathers have Father's Day, and mothers have Mother's Day,
….what do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday.
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out
that she's pregnant! She is furious. Here just became the senator of
New York and this has happened to her. She gets Bill on the phone and
immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen?
With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How
could you??!!! I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks
pregnant and it is all your fault!!! Your fault!!! Well, what have
you got to say???"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams
again, "Did you hear me??!!" Finally she hears Bill's very, very
quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: "So your mother says
your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
Holiday Party Festivity Levels
Your guests are conversing quietly, nibbling at their hors d'oerves,
and sipping their drinks. Later, some of the gather by the piano to
sing carols while others admire the ornaments on your tree.
Your guests are talking loudly, wolfing hors d'oerves, and drinking
from the bottles. Some people gather by the piano to sing "I Gotta
Be Me" while others begin rearranging your ornaments.
Your guests are arguing wildly among themselves, those that haven't
passed out from the upside-down margaritas. One person is singing
"I Can't Get No Satisfaction", which can barely be heard over the
sound of breaking ornaments. A small group of guests begin placing
hors d'oerves in the piano to see what happens when the little
Your guests, hors d'oerves smeared over their naked bodies, are
performing a ritualistic dance around the burning Christmas tree.
The piano is missing.
In general, you want to keep your party around Level III, unless you rent
your home, have insurance, and are carrying firearms. The quickest way to
get to Level III is egg-nog.
"Daddy?" the kid asked his father. "Where did I come from?"
"Ask your mother," he replied.
"I did," the kid said. "But I don't think she was telling the truth. She
said I came from a bucket."
"Hmmmm," chuckled his dad. "That's about the size of it…"
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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