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Today's jokes [12.23.11]

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I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.

1. 




Bob stood over his tee short on the 18th hole for what seemed like 
forever. He'd waggle, look down, look up, but never start his backswing. 
Finally David, his playing partner, asked, "Why on Earth are you taking
so long to make this shot?"

"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make 
this shot a good one," said Bob.

"Good Lord," said David, "you haven't got a chance of hitting her from 
here." 

2. 




What do you give the paedophile who has everything?
Another parish

3. 




                          Recipe for Banana Bread
     
   
        Ingredients:

         2 Laughing Eyes
         2 Loving Arms
         2 Well Shaped Legs
         2 Firm Milk Containers
         1 Fur Lined Mixing Bowl
         2 Large Nuts
         1 Large Banana

         Method:

         1.  Look into Loving Eyes.
         2.  Fold in Loving Arms.
         3.  Spread Well Shaped Legs.
         4.  Squeeze and massage Milk Containers gently until Fur Lined Mixing
             Bowl is well greased.  Check frequently with middle finger.
         5.  Add Banana - work in and out until well creamed.
         6.  Cover with Nuts and sigh with relief.

         Cake done when Banana becomes soft.  Be sure to wash mixing utensils
         and don't lick the bowl.

         N.B.  If cake begins to rise leave town immediately.
  


4. 




This freelance journalist discovered Adolf Hitler was alive and well and
living in South America.  He managed to wrangle a 'once-in-a-lifetime'
interview with Hitler on the condition that he was not to reveal where
Hitler was living.  He went to this interview, and lo and behold, yes, it
was Adolf Hitler, looking very old.  He interviewed him, asking him all
sorts of questions, and as a final question, asked "What are you doing now,
in the twilight of your life?"

Hitler replied "Hah!  Twilight of my life!  I'll have you know that I am
secretly putting together the 4th Reich, right here in South America!  This
time we'll do it right.  We have a foolproof plan - this time we will kill
EVERY JEW in the world - and 6 MEXICANS!!!".

The journalist asked  "...but...but....but why 6 MEXICANS??"

Hitler jumped to his feet and yelled "SEE, I TOLD THEM THAT NO-ONE GIVES A
SHIT ABOUT THE JEWS!"



5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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