Today's Jokes  |  Archives  |  Lists  |  Random  |  Register  |  RandJoke on Your Page  
 


Today's jokes [12.18.11]

Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes. Also, links to joke categories and "Send to Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.


A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the 
refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to 
see. One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room 
with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-
D. 
"Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face. 
"That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so 
Dad can see when he gets home tonight." 
The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly 
having an impact. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: "Mom? 
How do you spell 'zilla'?"

1. 




Judi was bored with driving her BMW. It laced individuality and 
besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied 
something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible.
That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful 
Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she 
fell in love with its gorgeous red paint work. An empty check 
stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes 
enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing 
in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly 
go wrong?

At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the 
car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet 
and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody 
clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with 
her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait 
saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be 
the matter?

Judi replied, "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."

"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the 
engine was purring like a cat again.

"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"

"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.

Looking shocked she asked, "Oh. How many times a week do 
I have to do that?"

2. 




   A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling
   a little frisky,
   reaches over and gives his wife's breast a little feel and
   says,"Mother, if this could give
   milk, we could get rid of the cow." His hand then travels down to her
   crotch, and he says,
   "Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."
   His wife then reaches
   over and grabs his penis. "Father, if this could stay hard, we could
   get rid of your brother.
   


3. 




    The crusty old managing partner finally passed away, but
   his law firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him. "I'm
   sorry, he's dead," was the standard answer. Finally, the receptionist
   who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice,
   so she asked who it was and why he kept calling. The reply: "I used to
   be one of his junior associates, and I just like to hear you say it."


4. 




A travelling salesman stopped alongside a field on a country road to rest 
a few minutes.
The man had just closed his eyes when a horse came to the fence and began
to boast about his past. "Yes sir, I'm a fine horse. I've run in 25 races
and won over 5 million. I keep my trophies in the barn."
The salesman worked out the value of having a talking horse, found the
horse's owner and offered a handsome sum for the animal.
"Oh, you don't want that horse," said the farmer.
"Yes I do," said the salesman, "and I'll give you 10,000 for the horse."
Recognising a good deal, the farmer said without hesitation, "He's yours."
While he wrote out his cheque, the salesman asked, "By the way, why
wouldn't I want your horse?"
"Because," said the farmer, "he's a liar - he hasn't won a race in his
life."

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD




Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.

But wait! Don't forget to read

Today's Stories
Today's Poems
Today's Quotes
Today's Funny Pic

 December '11 Jokes Issues:
S  M  T  W  Th F  St
            1  2  3  
4  5  6  7  8  9  10 
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 
18 19 20 21 22 23 24 
25 26 27 28 29 30 31 

Jump to  



For any questions or comments email us at info@jokes2go.com
Copyright© SpekGY, Inc, 1998-2016. All rights reserved.