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Today's jokes [12.16.11]

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This bloke was ordered from the pool for pissing in the water.
"That's ridiculous!" he shouted at the pool manager. "Everybody does it,
you know."
"That may be so," came the reply, "but usually not from the diving board."


The wealthy, high-society mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that 
her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and 
adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. 
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any 
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told 
her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and, until 
then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. 
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman 
told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. 
The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying, "Oh 
Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating a woman!"


Two elderly Southern women are sitting on the veranda sipping lemonade and 
reminiscing about old times.
One says to the other, "Darling, do you remember the minuet?"
The other replies, "Sweetheart, I can't even remember the ones I screwed!" 


There was a drunk man walking down the street turning
his car keys back and forth. 
A policeman came up to him and asked, "Sir, what are you doing?" 
The drunk replied, "I am looking for my car, the last time I saw
it, it was on the end of these keys." 
The police officer said, "Sir, do you know your zipper is down?" 
The drunk replied, "Shit, I lost my wife, too!" 


One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter
and beeped his car horn by mistake.
She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, daddy."
He replied, "How'd you know?"
The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'ASSHOLE!' afterwards!"


BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD

Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.


PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

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