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Today's jokes [12.15.11]

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It's so easy to milk a cow. Any jerk can do it.

1. 




   In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a study to see why the head of
   a man's penis was
   larger than the shaft. After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded
   that the reason the
   head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure
   during sex.
   After the study was published, the University of South Carolina
   decided to do their own
   study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that
   the reason was to
   give the woman more pleasure during sex.
   The University of Georgia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted
   their own study.
   After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was
   to keep a man's
   hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
   


2. 




Will sell for parts one F-117 Plane in wrecked condition. Self pick-up 
from Yugoslavia by buyer

3. 




NOTIFICATION TO ALL STAFF REGARDING LANGUAGE

It has been brought to our attention that some individuals have been
using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to
complaints from managers who are more easily offended, this type of
language will no longer be tolerated.

We do realise, however, the importance of staff being able to properly
express their feelings when communicating with other employees. With
this in mind, the Human Resources Department has compiled a list of
code phrases so proper exchange of ideas/information can continue in
an effective manner without risking offence to our more sensitive
brethren.

Old Phrase                              New Phrase
1.  No fucking way                    I'm fairly sure that this is not feasible
2.  Your fucking joking               Really
3.  Tell someone who gives a fuck     Have you run that by................
4.  No cunt told me                   I was not involved in that project
5.  I don't have the fucking time     Perhaps I can work late
6.  Who fucking cares                 Are you sure that is the problem
7.  Eat shit and die                  You don't say
8.  Eat shit and die motherfucker     You don't say, Sir
9.  Kiss my arse                      So you would like me to help you
10. He's a fucking prick              He is somewhat insensitive
11. That's fucking bullshit           I find that hard to believe
12. You haven't got a fucking clue    You could benefit from more training
13. This place is fucked              We are a little disorganised today
14. What sort of fucker are you       You're new here aren't you?
15. Fuck off shit head                Well there you go
16. You're a fucking wanker           You're my manager and I respect you
17. Ha! Fuck you                      I wasn't there that day
18. This is bollocks                  We need to look into this some more
19. I aint got no cunt                I am rather short of labour
20. Fuck off                          I'll look into that and get back to you

4. 




A strained voice called out through the darkened
theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!" 

Several men stood up as the lights came on. 

An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her,
"Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in
a date with a good, Jewish girl?"

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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