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Today's jokes [12.13.11]

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An eminent teacher and thinker once expressed his philosophy of life 
succinctly. "When it all boiled down to the essence of truth," the 
philosopher said, "one just live by a dogís rule of life: If you canít eat 
it or fuck it, piss on it!!!"

1. 




   A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife
   answers.
   
   " Hi, is Tony home?"
   
   " No, he went to the store."
   
   "Well, you mind if I wait?"
   
   " No, come in."
   
   They sit down and the friend says, "You know Nora, you have the
   greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I
   could just see one."
   
   Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a
   hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks
   her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
   
   They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are so beautiful
   I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks
   if I could just see the both of them together."
   
   Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and
   gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred
   bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
   
   A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your
   weird friend Chris came over. "
   
   Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the
   200 bucks he owes me?"
   


2. 




Q:What's another term for lesbian?
A:Vagitarian.


3. 




   One night the Norse god Thor was feeling a bit horny so he decided to
   come down to earth
   to satisfy his needs. He picked up a good looking woman with a great
   shape and they went
   to her apartment she only had one small problem, she had a speech
   impediment, but this
   didn't affect their sex. They went at it hot and heavy all night long
   then in the morning
   Thor had to leave so he decided he should at least tell her his name,
   so he said to her, "I'm
   Mighty Thor and I have to leave now." She looked at him and said,
   "You're thore I'm tho
   thore I can hardly pith."
   


4. 




A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a
lumberyard.  One of the blonde men walked in the office and
said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.
He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant
two-by-fours."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go
check."

After a while, the customer returned to the office and said,
"A long time.  We're gonna build a house."

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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