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Today's jokes [12.10.11]

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A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived 
home on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours 
pass she becomes more and more concerned until at 8 p.m. the husband 
finally pulls into the driveway. "What happened?" says the wife. "You 
should have been home hours ago!" "Harry had a heart attack at the third 
hole," replied the husband. "Oh, that's terrible," says the wife. "I 
know," the husband answers. "All day long it was hit the ball, drag Harry, 
hit the ball, drag Harry..."

1. 




When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big breasts...


In high school, I dated a girl with big breasts, but there was no 
passion.. 
So I decided I needed a passionate girl.. 


In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.. 
Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I 
needed a girl with some stability.. 
 
I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited 
about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.. 


I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed 
from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was
directionless. 
So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.. 
 
After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so 
ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.. 


Now all I want is a girl with big breasts..

2. 




Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big
Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. 
 
"My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood. 

The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red
Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree
stump. 
 
"My what big ears you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood. 

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. Some distance further down the
track Little Red Riding Hood again encounters the Big Bad Wolf, this time
crouched behind a road sign. 

"My what big teeth you have, Mr Wolf", taunts Little Red Riding Hood. 

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams... "Will you fuck off,
I'm trying to take a shit !"

3. 




My wife and I are into S & M

She Sleeps and I masturbate


Sent by Richard

4. 




   Guilty

   Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder.
   There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no
   corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that
   his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be
   convicted, resorts to a clever trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the
   jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at
   his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case
   will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the
   courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A
   minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says: 'Actually, I
   made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with
   anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable
   doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you
   return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retires
   to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a
   representative pronounces a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquires the
   lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the
   door." Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client
   didn't."


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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