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Today's jokes [11.5.11]

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   One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a
   show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same
   sentence twice.
   
   First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father
   bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
   
   "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little
   Michael.
   
   "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully,"
   he said.
   
   "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.
   
   "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she
   was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fuckin' beautiful!'"
   


1. 




A blonde was plugging dollar after dollar into the
coke machine at a large Vegas casino. She kept
punching the buttons only to have happen what you'd
expect. Cans of soda popped out, one after the other,
and change too! 

After a while, she ran out of dollar bills so went
and got more. Back at it she went, blocking the way
to the other vending machines with the mounting pile
of soda. All kinds. It didn't seem to matter to the
young lady. 

People were starting to gather, seeing this beautiful
woman enthusiastically plugging money in like it was
fun. The people were gathering more though waiting their
turn at the machines. 

After watching a while, someone asked from the rear of
the group, 'Hey, how much soda does one blonde need?' 

'Hey back off, buddy,' she retorts, 'can't you see I'm
winning here?' 



2. 




A group of cowboys were branding some cattle. While they were out the cook
saw a sheep tied to a post. Thinking it was for that nights dinner he
cooked it. That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking and
ignoring the cook. He pulled one aside and asked, "Did I screw up the
cooking..." "No", the cowboy replied, "You cooked up the screwing."

3. 




Examination to Qualify for Entrance to

                                           UNLV

                                    (basketball players only)

                                        Time Limit: 3 weeks

                                                *


1.      What language is spoken in France?

2.      Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular
        reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions
        -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3.      Would you ask William Shakespeare to
            (a) build a bridge
            (b) sail the ocean
            (c) lead an army or
            (d) WRITE A PLAY

4.      What religion is the Pope?
            (a) Jewish
            (b) Catholic
            (c) Hindu
            (d) Polish
            (e) Agnostic  (check only one)

5.      Metric conversion.  How many feet in 0.0 meters?

6.      What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
        is on the 5?

7.      How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8.      What are people in America's far north called?
            (a) Westerners
            (b) Southerners
            (c) Northerners
            (d) Easterners

9.      Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton.

10.     Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being
        George the Sixth.  Name the previous five.

11.     Where does rain come from?
            (a) Macy's
            (b) a 7-11
            (c) Canada
            (d) the sky

12.     Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
            (a) yes
            (b) no

13.     What are coat hangers used for?

14.     The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15.     Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium
        -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16.     Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17.     Which part of America produces the most oranges?
            (a) New York
            (b) Florida
            (c) Canada
            (d) Wisconsin

18.     Advanced math.  If you have three apples how many apples do you have?

19.     What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20.     The UNLV tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
            (a) B.C.
            (b) A.D.
            (c) still waiting

*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify



4. 




A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a 
dumb blonde. Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong! 
Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blonde 
thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying. 
The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to 
her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I 
can name ALL the state capitals!" The guy doesn't believe her, so she 
dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?" The 
blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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