Today's jokes [11.25.11]
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Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
I was somebody.
Who, is no business of yours.
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit
hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the
rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and
was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had
become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The
driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the
highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.
She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel
terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed
it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She
went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to
the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the
rabbit. Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw
at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit
stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50
yards, turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards. The man was
astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the
woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in
your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turned
the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair
spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
Why did Cleopatra take milk baths?
She couldn't find a cow tall enough for a shower.
A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family
doctor. "Young lady," the doctor began, "you're pregnant."
"But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and
in, our colony we practice sex only with our eyes."
"Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that colony is
The media have grotesquely skewed the public image of women who choose
to own firearms. Unfortunately, such exposure can affect one's
self-image. This test is offered in the hopes of putting these false
images into a more proper perspective.
Please circle your answers to each below:
1. What is the real meaning of that pink T-shirt with a revolver on
it that says:
"The ultimate in feminine protection" ?
1. Obviously a plot by seditious gun fanatics from the NRA.
2. I'm amazed the pigs have no law banning women's T-Shirts.
3. A 9mm for "light days" and a .44 Magnum for "heavy days".
2. For rape and assault prevention, a whistle is:
1. All you'll ever need.
2. Like I'd use yet another phallic symbol.
3. The signal to open Fire.
3. The movie "Thelma & Louise" was:
1. An insidious plot to stamp out femininity and glorify
2. A male ploy to encourage further suppression of women.
3. A training film.
4. What was technically wrong with the scene in "Thelma & Louise"
where the two women disarmed a Texas State Police Officer.
1. Tacky, tasteless, and altogether gauche I mean pointing guns;
let alone taking his icky, disgusting gun for their own use.
2. Only thing I saw wrong was that it took two sisters to disarm
only one man; not realistic at all.
3. The dummies left a perfectly good shotgun clamped to the
dashboard of the cruiser.
5. A mouse runs across the kitchen floor. The proper response it to:
1. Climb onto a high stool and scream for a man to help you.
2. Is it a male mouse or a female mouse ?
3. Link up the belt feed to the M-60.
6. You are discussing the local crime stats with your neighbor,
Ralph, who suggests you buy a .25 caliber pistol for defense. You
1. Never! A woman who buys a gun has humiliatingly surrendered
to the evil ethos of mindless brute force!
2. Yeah, like I'm supposed to stand there and let old fat gut
Ralph leer and drool like he usually does. Men are such pigs
3. Only to plant in the dead hand of the next little weasel
stupid enough to give me whimpy advice like that!
7. What is your reaction to the concept of a bra holster ? [INLINE]
1. Obscene ! The icon of death with the symbol of nurturing.
2. What's a bra ?
3. As long as it doesn't get in the way of my shoulder sling.
8. Define "male."
1. The first syllable of "malevolence," which in turn is only
one letter short of "male violence."
2. An animal with a one track mind. A brute who feels the need
to try to control, suppress, double-talk all women
3. A quaint anachronism, once useful for protection of females,
but rendered obsolete by contemporary firepower.
9. Where, in the scheme of things defensive, do such spray products
as Mace and CapStun belong?
1. Nowhere! If you just show your attacker compassion and
understanding, you won't need nasty things like that.
2. Yet more products of questionable effect manufactured by the
male dominated industrial complex to make women feel somewhat
3. In the medicine cabinet; real women use mace instead of
10. You are cornered in your home by a knife-wielding intruder. He
ignores your command to halt, and charges you with the knife
upraised. How many shots should you fire?
1. None. It would be better to die or submit than sacrifice
moral victory by using deadly force. How unseemly and gauche.
2. As many as I had, assuming the male dominated firearms
industry would sell me a gun; or let alone ammunition in the
3. A minimum of fifty shots. Hey, how often do you get a chance
like that to express yourself, and get in touch with your
Grading the Exam
* If 8 or more of your answers were "1":
This indicates you're a true pacifist. Perhaps the meek will
indeed inherit the earth someday, as it is written, but only when
the rest of us are done with it.
* If 8 or more of your answers were "2":
Hey babe -- you're stuck in the 60's sweetheart. Loosen up! A full
12.7% of you chicks have good jobs and make almost as much us men
now. I mean like ... What more do you want outta us poor males ?
* If 8 or more of your answers were "3":
Don't feel too bad. Society may not yet have a place for you, but
Hollywood will, as soon as they start casting for the lead role in
"Bride of Rambo".
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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