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Today's jokes [11.22.11]

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A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her 
first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She 
replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will 
childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy 
to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!" 

1. 




A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh
 theater.  When the usher came by and noticed this, he 
 whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed
 one seat."
 
 The man groaned but didn't budge.  The usher became
 impatient.  
 
 "Sir, if you don't get up from  there I'm going to have to
 call the manager."  
 
 Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who
 turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of
 his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the
 manager returned and stood over the man.
 
 Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but
 with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.  
 
 The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All
 right buddy, what's your name?"  
 
 "Sam," the man moaned.  
 
 "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied
 "the balcony."

 Sent by Zena

2. 




Two men were talking to each other about how pussy taste.
The first guy said"I think it taste like cherry pie".The
other guy said "I think it taste like shit".Then
the first guy said "you are supposed to turn her over".

Sent by Don Chamberlin

3. 




A drummer, tired of being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how
to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store,
walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over
there and that accordion." The store clerk looks at him a bit funny,
and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got
to stay".

4. 




Why did the chicken cross the road?

BILL CLINTON: 
Let me say this one more time.
I did not have sexual relations with
that chicken. 

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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