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Today's jokes [11.21.11]

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What are the three words you don't want to hear while making love?

"Honey, I'm home!" 

1. 




"I was in a very generous mood today," a woman says to her friend.
"I gave a poor beggar $25."
"Thats a lot of money to give away," says her friend. "What did your 
husband say?"
"He said, 'Thank you'. "

2. 




Understanding Your Paycheck



GROSS PAY: $1222.02

INCOME TAX      OUTGO TAX       STATE TAX       INTERSTATE TAX  COUNTY TAX
  244.40          45.21           61.10            5.89           6.11

CITY TAX        RURAL TAX       BACK TAX        FRONT TAX       SIDE TAX
  12.22           4.44            1.11            1.16            1.61

UP TAX          DOWN TAX        KNICKNACK TAX   HACKENSAC TAX   THUMBTAX
  2.22            1.11            1.98            3.93            0.98

CARPET TAX      SNACK TAX       SURTAX          MA'AM TAX       PARKING FEE
  0.69            8.32            3.46            3.46            5.00

NO PARKING FEE  F.I.C.A.        T.G.I.F.        LIFE INS.       HEALTH INS.
  10.00           81.88           9.95            5.85            16.23

DISABILITY INS. ABILITY INS.    LIABILITY INS.  DENTAL INS.     MENTAL INS.
  2.50            0.25            3.41            4.50            4.33

FUNDAMENTAL INS COFFEE          COFEE CUPS      CALENDAR RENTAL FLOOR RENTAL
  0.11            6.85          66.51              3.06           16.85

CHAIR RENTAL    DESK RENTAL     UNION DUES      UNION DON'TS    CASH ADVANCES
  4.32            4.32            5.85             3.77            0.69

CASH RETREATS   OVERTIME        UNDERTIME       EASTERN TIME    CENTRAL TIME
  121.35          1.26             54.83           9.00            8.00

MOUNTAIN TIME   PACIFIC TIME    DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME   TIME OUT
  7.00            6.00                 4.44               12.21

OXYGEN          WATER           ELECTRICITY     HEAT    AIR CONDITIONING
 10.02          16.54             38.23         51.42        46.83

MISC
169.24


TAKE HOME PAY: $0000.02



3. 




A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding 
anniversary. The husband decides to give his wife a gift, a tombstone, 
with the inscription: "Here lies my wife.....cold as ever" Later the 
furious wife bought a return present, a tombstone with the inscription: 
"Here lies my husband.....stiff at last"

4. 




A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo.
They are standing in front of the big silver
back gorillas cage, when one woman makes a
gesture that the gorilla interprets as an
invitation. He grabs her yanks her over the
fence and takes her to his nest in the pen.
There he ravishhes her and makes passionate
love to her for about 2 hours till he is
tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital. 

Her friend visits her the next day and asks" 

Are you hurt?" 

She replies. Of Course I'm hurt, He hasn't
called! He hasn't written!

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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