Today's jokes [11.17.11]
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An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have
a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them
the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, show's her
the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pull
down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"
Why are the N.Y. Giants like a tampon?
They're only good for one period and have no second string.
An elephant was having a horrible time in the jungle because a horsefly
kept biting near her tail and there was nothing she could do about it.
It was far out of reach.
A sparrow saw this and killed the horsefly with its beak.
"Oh, thank you!" said the elephant.
"My, pleasure ma'am." said the sparrow.
"Listen, Mr. Sparrow, if there's anything I can ever do for you, don't
hesitate to ask."
The sparrow said, "Well, all my life I wondered how it would feel to fuck
"Be my guest!", said the elephant.
So the sparrow flew behind the elephant and started fucking. In the trees
above, a monkey in the tree saw this and became very excited. He started
to masturbate, shaking a coconut loose and it fell from the tree, hitting
the elephant on the head.
"OUCH!", said the elephant.
Then sparrow looked over from behind and said, "Am I hurting you, dear?"
Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years
by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known
as "Bonkistry." He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past
him to come up with something like this. Anyway, one year there were
these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all
of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the
final they had a solid A.
These two friends were so confident going into the final that the
weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday),
they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there.
So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers
and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to
Duke until early monday morning. Rather than taking the final then,
what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to
him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVa
for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that
they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and
couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to
campus. Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up
the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.
So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that
Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of
them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first
problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was
worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They
did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared,
however, for what they saw on the next page. It said:
(95 points) Which tire?
How does Herpes leave the hospital?
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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