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Today's jokes [11.15.11]

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   In little Johnny's class at school, there's this kid with no arms or
   legs called Philip. Johnny knocks at the door of Philip's house and
   asks if Philip can come out to play soldiers.
   
   "Johnny, you know full well that Philip hasn't got any arms or legs"
   says his mother.
   
   "Yeah, I know that," says Johnny - "I was going to use him as a
   sandbag."
   


1. 




God created woman, and she had 3 breasts.

He said to the woman, "Is there anything on you that you'd like to
change?"

She said, "Yes.  Could you get rid of this middle breast?"

God snapped his fingers and it was done.

She exclaimed, holding the third breast in her hand,
"What am I going to do with this useless boob?"

And God created man.

2. 




A blonde was plugging dollar after dollar into the
coke machine at a large Vegas casino. She kept
punching the buttons only to have happen what you'd
expect. Cans of soda popped out, one after the other,
and change too! 

After a while, she ran out of dollar bills so went
and got more. Back at it she went, blocking the way
to the other vending machines with the mounting pile
of soda. All kinds. It didn't seem to matter to the
young lady. 

People were starting to gather, seeing this beautiful
woman enthusiastically plugging money in like it was
fun. The people were gathering more though waiting their
turn at the machines. 

After watching a while, someone asked from the rear of
the group, 'Hey, how much soda does one blonde need?' 

'Hey back off, buddy,' she retorts, 'can't you see I'm
winning here?' 



3. 




How come nobody from Mexico is ever in the olympics?

Because everybody that can Run, Jump, and Swim is already over here.

Sent by Paul

4. 




A famous hypnotist was performing in a large auditorium full of students one
night. He began to speak in a soft and steady voice over the loud-speaker
system. "Listen to the sound of my voice...", he kept repeating, "the sound
of my voice... every word is a command... the sound of my voice..." Pretty
soon, he had every single student in the audience completely mesmerized, each
one hanging on his every word.

Needing to take a quick piss, he announced "I will have to leave the stage
for a moment, but you will all remain in a trance while I am gone" And then
he repeated the words "the sound of my voice... every word is a command." As
he turned to go, he tripped over the  microphone cord, landed on his butt,
and yelled "SHIT!"

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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