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Today's jokes [11.12.11]

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The complaint letter from Judi:

We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes 
about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate 
stress and makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer 
and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all 
the way to the supream cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos 
all about hairassment and he will be on are side.

We have also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop 
this pursicushun. 

We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as much 
as blond jokes and every so often a red head joke. If we don't 
get our way we will not date anybody that ain't blond and we 
will make up jokes about you and we will laff. 

Sined by the blonds at the ofise 
(sine with a penseel so you can erace it if you make a mistake)

1. 




    As you may know, the Albuquerque housing market is becoming
   as tight as the one in Denver. My friend Chuck, after searching for
   months, found the perfect place. Family neighborhood, garden/lawn,
   etc. The problem was, he has a dog, and the landlord specified "No
   dogs." Rather than go on searching, he decided to go stealth, and not
   tell the landlord about his dog (a golden retriever).All went well for
   months. Except for one thing: the family that lived downstairs had a
   rabbit that they kept in a cage in the garden area. One day, the
   father of the family walked into the garden to find the dog scratching
   at the cage, trying to get at the rabbit.
   He immediately went to the landlord and complained. The landlord
   threatened to kick Chuck out. But Chuck, being quite persuasive- and
   punctual with rent checks- convinced the landlord to keep him and his
   dog. On the condition that that Chuck keep his dog out of the garden
   area. Months went by with no incidence. However, his girlfriend stayed
   home sick at his place one day. She, not knowing the garden rule, let
   the dog out.
   Chuck came home and, to his dismay, found that the dog wasn't in the
   house. He opened the back door, and there at the steps was his dog.
   Dead rabbit in mouth. Needless to say, Chuck panicked. Not wanting to
   face certain eviction(and possible jail time), he took matters into
   his own hands. He bathed the dead rabbit, blow-dried its hair (OK he
   was desperate) and carefully placed the rabbit back in the cage.
   Natural causes, right? Nothing happened.
   After an excruciating week, he finally approached his neighbor one
   morning on the way to work. "How is everything?" asked Chuck. "We're
   moving" replied the man. "This is a sick neighborhood." "Why? What
   happened?" replied Chuck. The neighbor replied: "Some sick bastard dug
   up our recently deceased rabbit, washed it, combed its hair, and put
   it back in its cage."


2. 




What do you call a vegetarian with diahrrea?

A salad shooter.

3. 




Mother: What seems to be the problem with you? You have been married three 
years and still no children. I had hopes of being a grandmother by now. 
Daughter: I just don't know, Mom! Billy tries all the time, it's just that 
I have a lot of trouble swallowing.

4. 




    A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for
   his graduate students. It had one question: Is Hell exothermic (gives
   off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a
   proof."
   Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
   (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or
   some variant.
   One student, however, wrote the following:
   First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So,
   we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate
   they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
   gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As
   for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
   religions that exist in the world today.
   Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
   religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these
   religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we
   can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and
   death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to
   increase exponentially.
   Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
   Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in
   Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are
   added. This gives two possibilities:
   #1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
   enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
   until all Hell breaks loose.
   #2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase
   of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until
   Hell freezes over.
   So which is it?
   If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my
   Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep
   with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not
   succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true,
   and so Hell is exothermic.
   The student got the only A.


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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