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Today's jokes [10.31.11]

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A woman went to the bar with a black eye.
"How'd ya get that?" asked the bartender.
"From my husband," she replied.
"But I thought he was out of town?" he asked.
"So did I!" she said.

1. 




A lady gets on a train with her baby. A guy sitting across from her
   looks at the baby and starts laughing hysterically.
   
   He says, "Lady, that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. It looks like a
   monkey. What an ugly kid."
   
   The lady freaks out, and goes running into the next car sobbing
   uncontrollably. The conductor sees her and comes over to her to
   console her.
   
   He says, "Lady, relax...things are going to be all right...we'll get
   off at the next stop, get a cup of coffee...maybe we'll even find a
   banana for your monkey."
   


2. 




Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the 
year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not 
only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he 
was right about that too." 

Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?" 

Fellow 1 : "A judge told him."

3. 




A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.  They
are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as
your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

4. 




Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? 

    He decided to stick it out for one more year! 

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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