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Today's jokes [10.29.11]

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What is the Australian for foreplay?

Brace yourself, Sheila!

And the Welsh?

Are you awake, Gwen?

1. 




   A florist received an outraged telephone call from a man who
   had moved his restaurant to a new spot in town. The restaurant 
   owner had been sent a funeral wreath along with a card that read:
   SINCEREST SYMPATHIES.
   The florist realized that he must have mixed up two orders and
   shuddered to think of the flowers that should have gone to the 
   restaurant man.He had sent to the funeral a clover design of 
   red roses across which was a bright green ribbon bearing the 
   inscription: BEST OF LUCK IN YOUR NEW LOCATION.


2. 




Two dwarfs pick up two hookers and take them to their hotel rooms.
The first dwarf not only can't get a hard-on, but all night he has
to listen to the other dwarf and the other hooker grunting "One,
two three, uhh...one, two three, uhh..." In the morning, the second
dwarf says to the first dwarf, "So how was it?" The first dwarf says,
"It sucked. I couldn't get a hard-on all night." The second dwarf says,
"You think that's bad? I couldn't even get up on the fucking bed." 

3. 




                          Democrats V. Republicans
                                      
                         What it all boils down to
     
   
ISSUE           | DEMOCRATS             | REPUBLICANS
-------------------------------------------------------------------
criminals       | Give them a second    | Give them the swift
                | chance                | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
the poor        | Give them some food   | Give them the swift
                |                       | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
endangered      | give them protection  | Give them the swift
species         |                       | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
dictators       | give them a way out   | Give them the swift
                |                       | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
the uninsured   | Give them some        | Given them the swift
                | health care           | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
the cost        | $9,000,000,000,       | $29.95
                |    000,000,000        | (cost of one sword)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
  


4. 




What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates?

A mobile sperm bank.

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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