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Today's jokes [10.28.11]

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   THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DOGS AND CATS
   A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide
   me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They
   must be gods!
   A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide
   me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I
   must be a god!


1. 




   Little Johnny was in class again.Teacher asked everyone "Can anyone
   tell me a sentence
   with the word definitely in it?" Meg puts up her hand."The sky is
   definitely blue." "Thats
   not bad,Meg," says the teacher, "but the sky can be grey or red."
   Young Sally tried :"The
   grass is definitely green." "Good try Sally,but grass can be yellow or
   brown too!"
   Suddenly Little Johnny's hand shoots up."Miss Brown does a fart have
   lumps?" The
   teacher was horrified."No of course not Johnny! What are you talking
   about?" So Johnny
   says,"Well then Miss brown, I've definitely shit my pants!"
   


2. 




They just found out Clinton's been stuffing turf in his underpants.
They're for grass roots support.

3. 




What's the object of a Jewish football game?

To get the quarter back!

4. 




After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid
of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had
been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she
needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near
her age.
She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male
virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an
Australian computer programmer.
After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had
indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their
wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie.
When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the
bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the
room. Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I
thought you had never been with a woman."
He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a
kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!



5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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