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Today's jokes [10.26.11]

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Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
A: It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

1. 




The Pentagon decided one day that there were to many 

Generals, so they decided to offer early retirement to 

three of them.  They called Congress and asked them to vote

on a method of determining each General's early retirement

bonus.  After voting Congress decided that each man would 

choose two points of their body to measure between and then 

each man would be paid $10,000 per inch.



    They called in the first General.  He decide to have

them measure from the top of his head to the bottom of his

feet.  Upon measuring it to 6 feet, they paid him $720,000.



    The next General, thinking a little bit more, stretched

his arms above his head, and asked them to measure from the

tips of his fingers, to the bottom of his feet.  After 

measuring 8 feet, they paid him $960,000.



    The next General, with a smug look on his face, asked 

them to measure from the tip of his penis to the bottom of

his balls.  Congress decided to call in a medical officer.

The medical officer asked the General to drop his pants.  

The medical officer lifted the General's penis to make the

measurement, but instead he exclaimed, "Good God man, where

are your balls!!"  With a smile the General said, "I left 

them in Vietnam."


Sent by Sparky and Wife

2. 




There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night 
and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a 
virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been 
laid!!"

Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't 
worry about you." 

10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 
o'clock...12 o'clock... 

Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys open. In runs 
Gladys... straight to the bathroom.

Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??" 

No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with 
her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck 
between her legs looking at herself.

"What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty.

"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it 
came out.  When I find the other half you're gonna have the 
time of your life!!!"

3. 




There was the surgeon who was arrested for drunken
driving. They let him go, though. He was already an hour
late for an operation. 

4. 




Did you know that the night Santa first met his future
wife he uttered the now famous words: 

     "Yes, that is a candy cane in my pocket, and I am glad to meet you." 

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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