Today's jokes [10.26.11]
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Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
A: It only takes one nail to hang the picture.
The Pentagon decided one day that there were to many
Generals, so they decided to offer early retirement to
three of them. They called Congress and asked them to vote
on a method of determining each General's early retirement
bonus. After voting Congress decided that each man would
choose two points of their body to measure between and then
each man would be paid $10,000 per inch.
They called in the first General. He decide to have
them measure from the top of his head to the bottom of his
feet. Upon measuring it to 6 feet, they paid him $720,000.
The next General, thinking a little bit more, stretched
his arms above his head, and asked them to measure from the
tips of his fingers, to the bottom of his feet. After
measuring 8 feet, they paid him $960,000.
The next General, with a smug look on his face, asked
them to measure from the tip of his penis to the bottom of
his balls. Congress decided to call in a medical officer.
The medical officer asked the General to drop his pants.
The medical officer lifted the General's penis to make the
measurement, but instead he exclaimed, "Good God man, where
are your balls!!" With a smile the General said, "I left
them in Vietnam."
Sent by Sparky and Wife
There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night
and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a
virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been
Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't
worry about you."
10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11
Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys open. In runs
Gladys... straight to the bathroom.
Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??"
No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with
her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck
between her legs looking at herself.
"What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty.
"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it
came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the
time of your life!!!"
There was the surgeon who was arrested for drunken
driving. They let him go, though. He was already an hour
late for an operation.
Did you know that the night Santa first met his future
wife he uttered the now famous words:
"Yes, that is a candy cane in my pocket, and I am glad to meet you."
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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