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Today's jokes [10.21.11]

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Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord 
himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven. 
"Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked.
"I could eat," said Seymour.
The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it.
While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed 
the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka.
The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he were hungry, and Seymour 
again said, "I could eat."
Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour 
noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy, and 
chocolates.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. 
Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to be be in heaven as a 
reward for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all I get to 
eat is tuna. But in the Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't 
understand." 
"To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two people, does it pay 
to cook?"

1. 




    A Blind Mans Sport
   A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting.
   When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all
   done for him:
   "I am placed in the door and told when to jump"
   "My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go"
   "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
   "I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass
   when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
   "But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on
   the ground?" he was again asked.
   He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack".


2. 




An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns,
drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit
when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of
his license plate.

The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again;
even more slowly.  Another flash.  He did it again for a third
time, at an even slower speed.  Same result.

"This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty
officer thought.

A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail,
he discovered three traffic tickets:

Each for not wearing a seat belt!

3. 




Why don't witches wear panties?

So they can get a better grip on the broom.

4. 




Patient: (to cosmetic-surgeon) 'Will it hurt, doctor?
Surgeon: 'Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown'.

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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