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Today's jokes [10.19.11]

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Three men die in a plane crash and are waiting to enter heaven.
St. Peter asks the first man, "What did you do on Earth?" 
Man #1: I was a doctor. 
St. P.: Go right through those pearly gates.

St. P.: And what did you do on Earth?
Man #2: I was a school teacher.
St. P.: Go right through those pearly gates.

St. P.: And what did you do on Earth?
Man #3: I was a musician.
St. P.: Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the 
kitchen...

1. 




One neighbor says to the other, "Hey Joe, you have to stop leaving the 
blinds on your bedroom open, I saw you fucking your wife." Joe responds 
"The jokes on you, Stan, I was away on a business trip yesterday."

2. 




A big 300 pound, seven foot brute of a man walked into a bar
one evening and said to the bartender "Give everyone a drink
except that gay guy over there"

About fifteen minutes later he gives the same order, "Give everyone
a drink except that gay guy over there"

The gay guy asks the bartender for two ice cubes. The bartender
asks why, and the gay guy says "I am going to put one in each
cheek, go over there, and cold-cock that big sonofabitch!" 

3. 




Why does a blonde girl always have a bruise around her belly button???


Cause blonde boys aren't that smart either.

4. 




God created the mule, and told him, 'you will be Mule, working
constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat 
grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years.
 The mule answered: 'To live like this for 50 years is too much. 
Please, give me no more than 20.'   And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, 'you will hold vigilance
over the dwellings of Man, to him you will be his greatest companion.  You
will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years.'
And the dog responded, 'Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too much.
Please, no more than 10 years.' And it was so.
 God then created the monkey, and told him, 'You are Monkey.  You shall
 swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny,
and you shall live for 20 years.'
And the monkey responded, 'Lord, to live 20 years as the  clown of the
world is too much. Please, Lord, give me  no more than 10 years.'  
And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, 'You are Man, the only rational
being that walks the earth.  You will use your intelligence to have
mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and
live for 20 years.
And the man responded, 'Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too
little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years
the dog refused, and the ten years the monkey rejected.'   And it was so.
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live
20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back.  Then, he 
is to  have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and
eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry then, in his old age, to live 
10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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