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Today's jokes [10.17.11]

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Easter is approaching. Father O'Maley checks estimates for the flower
decoration of the altar.
The catholic florist - $ 300. "Too expensive" moans the priest.
The protestant florist - $ 250, "No, it would not be right to buy at
another Christian believer, especially as the price difference is rather 
small." But lo! Solly Goldberg - $ 75!!!
Religion or economics? After much consideration, Solly obtains the
contract.
On Easter Sunday morning, Goldberg's men deliver the flowers: wonderful
roses, azaleas, camellias, tulips and carnations. O'Maley's last 
reservations are discarded.
When the parishioners arrive in the church, they see the magnificent
flower arrangement and a ribbon with the inscription:
"Jesus has risen! But the prices of Goldberg always stay the same."

1. 




A person is in the hospital and asked his doctor how much time does he 
have left to live. The doctor did not want to lie so he told him that he 
wouldn't make it through the night. So the person calls for his lawyer and 
asks him to come and sit by his bed. Right before the person dies, the 
lawyer asks him why did he want him next to him. The dying person replied, 
"When Jesus died, he had a thief next to him and I want to go the same 
way." 

2. 




What does a girl with bulimia call two fingers?

Desert.



3. 




There was a young Scotsman called Andy,
Who knocked over his bottle of Shandy.
He lifted his kilt,
To wipe up what he spilt,
And the barmaid said, "Blimey! That's handy!" 

4. 




   There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which
   one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of
   them spends it.
   
   The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She
   gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and
   tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you
   because I love you so much."
   
   The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a
   television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I
   bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
   
   The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market,
   doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the
   rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future
   because I love you so much."
   
   The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the
   money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
   


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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