Today's jokes [10.13.11]
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Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
I've never been much on fashion, but got quite a few compliments on a new sports jacket I wore to work one day. My
secretary asked me where I got it and I told her that it was a surprise from my wife. I went home early yesterday, and there it
was, on the back of a kitchen chair.
A local United Way office realized that it had never
received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person
in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000,
you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the
community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and
replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying
after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her
annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no."
"-or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a
wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an
apology but was interrupted, "-or that my sister's husband died in a
traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving
her penniless with three children?" The humiliated United Way rep,
completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the
lawyer cut him off once again: "-so if I don't give any money to them,
why should I give any to you?"
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He
stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely
drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so
he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way
up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty
pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken
glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he
didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing,
he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure
enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired
the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting,
and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good
story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered
last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this
morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
What's the difference between an Italian mother and a Jewish mother?
An Italian mother says, "If you don't eat it, I'll kill you."
A Jewish mother says, "If you don't eat it, I'll kill myself."
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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