Today's jokes [10.12.11]
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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started
back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted
to a man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound
intensity, and kept repeating, "Why did you die? Why did you die?" The
first man approached him and said,
"Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before. For
whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in
The mourner answered, "My wife's first husband! ... Why did you die? Why
did you die?"
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great
expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd
take it and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine
in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the
world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with
a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365:
"Shall We Gather at the River."
For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this
"You are not getting older,
You are just getting better."
When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not
getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the
It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve
the cake that he discovered it read:
"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP,
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."
Getting anything done around here is like mating elephants.
It's done on a very high level.
There's a lot of stomping and screaming involved.
And it takes two years to get any results.
The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately
to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming
outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and
got into the water.
After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old
ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got
out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby.
He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with
The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and
wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know , I have
a special gift, I can read minds.'
'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what
'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the
bucket you're holding has a bottom.'
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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