Today's jokes [10.11.11]
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Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.
Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The
first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig,
because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not
even down there."
That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've
never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go
into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so
I can have a look."
The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go
into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her.
Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I
So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That
night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're
satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl
asked to see mine."
Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had
the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."
A car breaks down along the expressway one day, so the driver
eases it over onto the shoulder of the highway. He jumps out of
the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats.
The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start
exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. This results in one
of the worst pile-ups in history.
When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the
side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just
using my emergency flashers!"
An American woman and an Iranian woman are in the supermarket. The
picks up two potatoes and says, "These remind me of my husband's
American woman says, "That big?" The Iranian woman says, No...that
Only in America...
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry,
and a diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight...
Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the
process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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