Today's jokes [10.1.11]
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A couple on their honeymoon woke up after their big night.
The bride rolled over and said, "That was nice but tell me, what did my
pussy look like before you rooted it?"
The husband replied "Like a beautiful rose with drops of dew on it."
"That's nice honey" she replied, "What did it look like after you rooted
"Like a bulldog eating porridge" the husband replied.
This guy runs home and bursts in yelling, "Pack your bags honey, I
just won the lottery!"
She says, "Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the
He replies, "I don't care...Just get the f**k out!"
How to be a Good Wife
Excerpted from a 1950's high school home economics textbook
Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a
delicious meal--on time. This is a way of letting him know that you
have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.
Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good
meal is part of the warm welcome needed.
Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes to rest so that you'll be
refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in
your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of
work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting.
His boring day may need a life.
Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of
the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up the school
books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables.
Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order,
and it will give you a lift, too.
Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's
hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if
necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he
would like to see them playing the part.
Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise
of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the
children to be quiet. Be happy to see him; greet him with a smile
and be glad to see him.
Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't
complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with
what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable.
Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in
the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his
pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft,
soothing, and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the
moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to
dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to
understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home
Your goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where
your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
Two young brothers, aged 5 and 6, are listening through the keyhole as
their older sister is getting it on with her new boyfriend.
They hear her say, "Oh, Jim, you're going where no man has gone before!"
The six-year-old says to his brother, "He must be fucking her up the ass!"
Buford: Man, have you got a drinking problem! Mongo: The hell I do!
Buford: The hell you don't!
Mongo: I don't have a drinking problem. I drink...I get drunk...I fall
down. No problem!
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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