Today's jokes [1.8.11]
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Why does a dog lick his balls?
Because he can't make a fist.
This black guy is walking along a beach when he looks down a sees an
antique lamp. Thinking that he'll get enough money for another vial of
crack, he takes the bottle home and starts to clean it. He starts rubbing
the lamp, when all of a sudden a Jewish genie appears, and being a Jewish
genie, he say's to the nigger that he have two wishes. The black guy
thinks for a couple of seconds, and quickly says:, "I want to be white and
surrounded by cunt."
In an instant he is turned into a tampon.
Now the morale of this story is:
Don't ever expect anything from a Jew without strings attached.
A well dressed businessman got into a Manhattan cab and
asked to be taken to LaGuardia. While stuck in the traffic jam,
the businessman leaned forward and said, "How's your spirit of
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I have to be in Chicago for a meeting, but the thought of
flying there just bores me to tears. Why not drive me there?
The meeting is only an hour. I'll pay the gas, tolls, your hotel
room, meals, and then you can drive me back tomorrow."
The driver said, "Sure, why not?" and off they went.
They motored through Jersey, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana,
and finally into Chicago. The businessman did his meeting
(while the cabbie waited) came out, got back into the cab
and they took off to the hotel. They shared a huge meal, the
businessman paid for two rooms. The next morning, they
took off back towards Manhattan. When they arrived, the
meter read $4,632.85.
When they got back to the businessman's office, the man
told the cabbie, "Let me go in the bank here and I'll get you
a certified check. I'll make it for $5000 so you'll get a sizable
tip for your trouble."
"Great," the cab driver said, "Thanks."
"One last thing. When I give you the check, I'd like you to
drive me home, please."
"No way!!! I'd have to drive back over the bridge without a
A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and
says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her
how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little
old lady says, "Three million dollars." The accounts person is
startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says,
"Cash. I've got it here in this bag..." and the accounts person looks
and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of
green stuff with big denominations. This is a highly unusual event,
and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the
bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady
to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the
little old lady where she got so much money. She says, "Gambling."
"Gambling?", he says. "What sort of gambling?" "Oh, I make bets with
people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've
got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls
will be square, and I'll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you'd
be willing to wager on that?" The bank president is shocked at this
sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get
to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing
something about money. "I suppose I could come up with enough to cover
that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from
you...there's no way you can win a bet like that!" The little old lady
just shook the bag, and said, "I know what I'm doing...and I can
afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?" "Ok, have it
your way", said the president, and they shook hands on it. "See you at
11:55 tomorrow morning", said the little old lady, and with that she
left. Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger
man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's
office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd
gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to
feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened
all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still
nothing; perfectly normal. When the little old lady arrived he started
to relax, knowing he had won. "Come in, please have a seat! Who might
this gentleman be?" said the president. "He's my lawyer. For a bet of
this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?" "No, perfectly
understandable", said the president. "Well, it's now noon, and I'm
still unchanged, so I guess I win!" he said happily. "Not so fast!"
said the little old lady. "For a hundred grand I want to verify things
personally! Please drop your pants." The bank president is a bit
flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so
he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches
out to feel the organs in question. "Ok, you win, here's your
$100,000," says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As
she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and
moaning. "What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president. "Oh, he's
just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for
$1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase
Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today."
What's the best way to make yourself last with your girlfriend?
Let everyone go first!
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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