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Today's jokes [1.7.11]

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A husband comes home with a half-gallon of ice cream and asks his wife if 
she wants some.
"How hard is it?" she asks.
"About as hard as my dick." he replies. "Ok, then pour me some!"

1. 




A married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest,
"I had an affair with a woman... almost." The priest says,
"what do you mean almost?" 
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together
but then I stopped." 
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting
it in. You're not to go near that woman again, now say five
Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box." 
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers,
then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and
then starts to leave. 
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and
says, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!" 
The man replied, "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and you
said it was the same as putting it in!"

2. 




    A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise
   for himself and his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise, the
   travel agent calls and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can
   get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy says "OK," and goes to
   the pharmacy to buy three Dramamine and three condoms.
   Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day
   cruise. The guy says he'll take it. Returns to the same pharmacy and
   buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms.
   The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now
   book an eight-day cruise. Guy says, "OK," and goes back to the drug
   store and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
   Finally, the pharmacist asks, "Look, if it makes you sick, how come
   you keep doing it?"


3. 




My mother-in-law is like a fine French Impressionist painting.

She's very lovely, but is best appreciated at a distance.



4. 




What's the difference between a transvestite sailor and Monica Lewinsky's
wardrobe?

When you have a transvestite sailor, you have a dress on a seaman.

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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