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Today's jokes [1.6.11]

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Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
A: A quarter-pounder with cheese.

1. 




A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights
broken and considerable damage. There's no sign of the
offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a
note stuck under the windshield wiper.
"Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw
the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think
I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not."

2. 




   Two tigers are walking along a jungle trail in single file.
   
   The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes, then
   reappears shortly thereafter. A few moments later, the front tiger
   feels what seems to be the other tiger's tongue, applied just below
   his tail. The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn't want to
   start anything by bringing it up. Then, the tiger again feels the
   tongue, again in the same place.
   
   He decides to confront the after tiger, and asks him, "Did you just
   lick me twice in the butt?"
   
   The other tiger replied, "Yeah, sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer
   and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth."
   


3. 




A bus filled with politicians was driving through the
countryside one day, on the campaign trail.  The bus driver,
caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and
crashes into the ditch. 
 
    A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and
rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians
he buries them.
 
   The next day, the police come to the farm to question the
man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police
officer. "Were they all dead?"
 
   The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you
know how politicians lie."

4. 




THIS IS SCARY BUT IT REALLY WORKS.
   DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!!!
   It only takes 30 seconds. Work this out as you read. Don't read the
   bottom until you have worked it out.!!!
   1. First of all, pick the number of days a week that you would like to
   go out to dinner.
   2. Multiply this number by 2.
   3. Add 5.
   4. Multiply it by 50.
   5. If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1748. If you
   haven't, add 1747.
   6. Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you were born.
   see below:
   RESULTS:
   You should now have a three digit number:
   The first digit of this was your original number (i.e. how many times
   you want to go out each week).
   The second two digits are your age!!!
   It really works. This is the only year it will ever work, so spread
   the
   joy around by mailing this to anyone you think might enjoy it.


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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