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Today's jokes [1.4.11]

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Bob, who's gay, decides to go out for a good time
and ends up at a gay bar. There he meets an attractive
young man named Johnny who he talks to all evening.
When the night comes to an end Johnny invites him over
to his place.

They get in Johnny's car, a pink stretch Cadillac, and
proceed to leave the parking lot. Yet Bob is quite
concerned when Johnny repeatedly smashes into parked
cars as they are leaving the lot. Once they reach
Johnny's place, again Johnny looks around and proceeds
to smash into parked cars as he's parking his.

As they got out of the car Johnny asked, "So Bob, do you
like my feminine side?" 

1. 




The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing
tour with a very rich African king who was a very important
client. 
The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary
is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her,
...don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to
dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.
So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you
under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat
diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."
The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No
problem!! I have. I have."
Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I
want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I
want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."
The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and
calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods
his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build." 
Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that
she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to
think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints
her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I
want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests
his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African
dialect.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking
really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I
cut."

2. 




Q: Why do women wear tampoons when they skydive?
A: So they don't whistle on the way down.


3. 




The local courtroom was packed as testimony began in the
sentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering her
husband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee.

The defense attorney knew he had his work cut out for him
trying to make his client appear more sympathetic to the
Judge, especially since she had been so "matter-of-fact"
about the whole thing all during the trial.

"Mrs. Roth," he began, "was there any point that morning
where you felt pity for your husband ?"

"Well...  yeah...  I guess..." she replied.

"And when was that?"  pressed the attorney.

"Well...," she replied, "when he asked for his third cup."

4. 




    A Blind Mans Sport
   A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting.
   When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all
   done for him:
   "I am placed in the door and told when to jump"
   "My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go"
   "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
   "I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass
   when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
   "But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on
   the ground?" he was again asked.
   He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack".


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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