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Today's jokes [1.31.11]

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What do you call a brunette between two blondes?

Translator.

1. 




A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches.
When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his
poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his
migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the Doctor, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm
going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school,
but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have
a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a
while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can
stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I
get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is
killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the
headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and
see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took
your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for
17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."



2. 




A man finds himself staying in a Vegas hotel room while on a business trip. 
Not wishing to be alone, he calls an "escort" service for some company. 
Soon, a strikingly beautiful hooker arrives.  Without preamble the hooker
says, "I want to tell you right up front, my minimum fee is $500, and that's
for a hand job."  "$500 for a hand job? Why, that's outrageous!" the man
exclaimed. " No hand job in the world could be worth $500!"  The hooker
summons the man to the window and points down onto the parking lot below. 
"See that cherry red Maserati down there?  I own that because of what I can
do with my hands."  Against his better judgement, the man pays the $500 and
sure enough the hooker sends him into utter bliss, by far the best sexual
experience of his life.  After he recuperates he says to  the hooker, "God
that was fantastic!!  How much for a blowjob?"  "$2500," the hooker replied. 
"$2500 for a blowjob?"  Cried the astonished man.  "That's way too much!" 
Again the hooker summons the man to the window,  this time  pointing across
the street.  "Do you see that large medical building right off the strip there? 
I own that because of what I can do with my mouth." " Oh no," moans the man,
"this is gonna break me, but I just have to try it."  Once again the hooker
takes him to the edge of the universe and back, far surpassing the pleasure
he received earlier, leaving him utterly drained and totally gratified. 
As soon as the man can speak again, he says, "I just have to know.  How much
do you get for pussy?"  The hooker drags the man to the window for a third
time, points and proclaims, "Do you see the MGM Grand Hotel sitting there on
the corner?  I could own that if I had a pussy!"

Sent by TJ

3. 




Here's a sick one...

So at the funeral home, the widow instructs the mortician to cut off
her late husband's penis and shove it up his rectum.  The mortician
objects, but threatening not to pay, he relents.  Later, at the coffin
closing, the wife bends down to kiss her husband goodbye, and she sees a
tear coming from his eye.  She says "Hurts doesn't it, you son of a
bitch!"

4. 




Two Italian construction workers were in the field on an
extremely hot day working.. the one says to the other "hey
how come we do all a da work and he gets all a da money?"
pointing to the supervisor.
 The other says, "I don't know, go ask him."
 So Guido goes up to the supervisor and says "Hey, how come
we do all a da work and you get all a da money?"
 The supervisor says "Intelligence".
 Guido says "what is this intelligence?"
 The supervisor puts his hand on a tree and says "Hita my
hand as hard as you can!"
 Guido winds up and with all his might tries to hit the
supervisors hand. Just as he almost does the supervisor
pulls his hand away and Guido hits the tree! The supervisor
says "That's intelligence".
 Still smarting Guido goes back to his co-worker and his
co-worker says "Hey what did he say?"
 With a sheepish look on his face Guido puts his hand on his
face and says "hita my hand as hard as you can. . ."

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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