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Today's jokes [1.28.11]

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A college professor is explaining to his class that pleasure is a mental 
state, and that many people overlook the things they already have.
He says, "A man who has developed a true sense of appreciation can enjoy a 
good bowel movement as much as having sexual intercourse."
One student stands up and says, "Professor, either you don't know how to 
fuck, or I don't know how to shit."

1. 




Giuseppi walks into work, and he says, "Ey, Tony! You know 
who's-a George Washington?"

Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a George Washington?"

He says, "Hah! George-a Washington's the first-a President of-
a United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a 
United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."

A couple of days later, Giuseppi walks into work and says. 
"Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"

Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"

He says, "Hah! Abaham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a 
the United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a 
United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."

A guy in the back of the shop yells, "Yo, Giuseppi . . . you 
know who Fishlips Lorenzo is?"

He says, "No. Who's-a Fishlips Lorenzo is?"

The guy yells, "That's the guy who's bangin' your wife while 
you're in night school."

2. 




At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who here 
has ever seen a ghost?" Most of the hands go up. "And how many of you have 
had some form of interaction with a ghost?" About half the hands stay up.
"OK, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?" Three 
hands stay up; there's a slight murmur in the crowd. "Gosh, that's pretty 
good. OK, have any of you ever, uh, been intimate with a ghost?" One hand 
stays up. The speaker blinks. "Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you've 
actually had sexual contact with a ghost?" The guy with his hand up 
suddenly blushes and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said "goat'." 

3. 




Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.
The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad
news and good
news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and
will need help
eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

4. 




A man took his wife to the doctors.
After a short examination the doctor said
"Your wife's mind has completely gone!"
To which the man replied "I'm not surprised.
She's been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 25 years!"

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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