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Today's jokes [1.27.11]

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A woman entered the hospital to deliver her 15th child. "Congratulations," 
said the nurse, "but don't you think this is enough?" The woman replied, 
"Are you kidding? This is the only vacation I get each year."

1. 




New scientific theories

4th RunnerUp--  The earth may spin faster on its axis due to
deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases
when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall
trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

2. 




A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children,
trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration.
With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice
stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.
Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers,
more flavors than you could ever imagine.

"Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these,"
announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify
the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher
had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one
of the children was stumped.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your
Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."

Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth
and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!" 

3. 




A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells 
nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells 
him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The 
supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with the 
coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "He's a midget."

4. 




A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got 
home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting 
with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after 
which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang.  "Is this the 
vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.

"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"

"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of 
cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I 
can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"  

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then 
patiently replied "Open the window and tell them they're wanted 
on the phone"

"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that will that stop them?"

"Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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