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Today's jokes [1.26.11]

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MESSAGE FROM THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON TO THE BRITISH FOREIGN
   OFFICE IN LONDON--
   written from Central Spain, August 1812

   Gentlemen,
   Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the
   approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been
   diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H.M.
   ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters.
   We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all
   manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me
   accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and
   spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been
   accounted for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your
   indulgence.
   Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains
   unaccounted for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has
   been a hideous confusion as the number of jars of raspberry jam issued
   to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This
   reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of
   circumstance, since we are war with France, a fact which may come as a
   bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.
   This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation
   of my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better
   understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I
   construe that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as
   given below. I shall pursue either one with the best of my ability,
   but I cannot do both:
   1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the
   benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance.
   2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.
   Your most obedient servant,
   Wellington


1. 




   What's so great about being a dick ?
   1) You've got a head with no brains.
   2) Two nuts follow you around all day.
   3) Your neighbor is an asshole.
   4) Your best friend is a cunt !
   


2. 




There are three friends, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead.
They were on a cruise ship and it was heading home.  When they
got about 20 miles of shore the boat began to sink (no idea
way use your imagination).  The three girls jump off and swim
to a nearby island.  After being there a few days the brunette
tries to swim to shore.  She gets about five miles off the
island's shore and drowns. After a few days pass the redhead decides
that she will try. She gets about have way and drowns.  Now
realizing all her friends are gone she decides to try too.  Now she
swims for hours.  She gets to where she can see the shore but she
is so tired she decieds to turn around and go back.

Sent by Evan

3. 




Emery fixed himself a Scotch while waiting for
Maria to get ready for their date. She came out
of the shower wrapped in a bath towel and said,
"I'm sorry I'm late but I was shopping and lost
track of time. Would you like to see me in my
new dress?"

"I would like nothing better." said Emery. 

4. 




                             State of Arkansas
                                      
                           Residency Application
     
   
   Name: ________________  (_) Billy-Bob
             (last)        (_) Billy-Joe
                           (_) Billy-Ray
                           (_) Billy-Sue
                           (_) Billy-Mae
                           (_) Billy-Jack
                           (Check appropriate box)

   Age: ____
   Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
   Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

   Occupation:
   (_) Farmer
   (_) Mechanic
   (_) Hair Dresser
   (_) Un-employed

   Spouse's Name: 

   Relationship with spouse:
   (_) Sister
   (_) Brother
   (_) Aunt
   (_) Uncle
   (_) Cousin
   (_) Mother
   (_) Father
   (_) Son
   (_) Daughter
   (_) Pet

   Number of children living in household: ___

   Number that are yours: ___

   Mother's Name: 

   Father's Name:  (If not sure, leave blank)

   Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

   Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?  (Check appropriate box)

   ___ Total number of vehicles you own
   ___ Number of vehicles that still crank
   ___ Number of vehicles in front yard
   ___ Number of vehicles in back yard
   ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

   Firearms you own and where you keep them:
   ____ truck
   ____ bedroom
   ____ bathroom
   ____ kitchen
   ____ shed

   Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

   Do you have a gun rack?
   (_) Yes (_) No; please explain:



   Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
   (_) The National Enquirer
   (_) The Globe
   (_) TV Guide
   (_) Soap Opera Digest
   (_) Rifle and Shotgun

   ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
   ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
   ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

   How often do you bathe:
   (_)Weekly
   (_)Monthly
   (_)Not Applicable

   Color of teeth:
   (_)Yellow
   (_)Brownish-Yellow
   (_)Brown
   (_)Black
   (_)N/A

   Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
   (_)Red-Man

   How far is your home from a paved road?
   (_)1 mile
   (_)2 miles
   (_)don't know
  


5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD




Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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