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Today's jokes [1.25.11]

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What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling 
your name?

You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

1. 




This assignment was actually turned in by two English students:

----------------------------------------------------------------

Rebecca  and Gary 
English 44A
SMU
Creative Writing
Prof Miller

                  In-class Assignment for Wednesday

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.
The process is simple.  Each person will pair off with the person
sitting to his or her immediate right.  One of you will then write
the first paragraph of a short story.  The partner will read the
first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story.  The
first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and
forth.  Remember to reread what has been written each time in order
to keep the story coherent.  The story is over when both agree a
conclusion has been reached.

----------------------------------------------------------------

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted.  The
camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home,
now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times,
that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs,
keep her mind off Carl.  His possessiveness was suffocating, and if
she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again.
So camomile was out of the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack
squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to
think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named
Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.
"A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic
communicator. "Polar orbit established.  No sign of resistance so
far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed
out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay.  The
jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across
the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he
felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one
woman who had ever had feelings for him.  Soon afterwards, Earth
stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of
Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space
Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper one morning.  The news
simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window,
dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and
carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her
from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around
her.  "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she
pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched
the first of its lithium fusion missiles.  The dim-witted wimpy
peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty
through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile
alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race.  Within
two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were
on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the
entire planet.  With no one to stop them they swiftly initiated their
diabolical plan.  The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere
unimpeded.  The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85
million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the
conference table. "We can't allow this!  I'm going to veto that
treaty!  Let's blow'em out of the sky!"

This is absurd.  I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah?  Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts
at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

You total $*&.

Stupid %?$!.



2. 




A Short History of Medicine



I have an earache...

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen.  Here, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition.  Here, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil.  Here, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective.  Here, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial.  Here, eat this root.



3. 




Because his son wasn't the brightest kid in the world, old Hillbilly Joe 
took him to the outhouse one day to teach him how to urinate properly. 
"Now you lissen good, Dan'l, 'cuz here's whatcha gotta do. One: Take out 
your penie-pipe. 
Two: Pull back the foreskin.
Three: Pee.
Four: Push back your foreskin.
Five: Put your equipment back."
The boy said he understood, but the next day while he was working at his 
still, Joe's wife came running over. "Oh, Joe, Joe, come quick! Dan'l went 
ta piss an' won't come out of the outhouse!"
"Hell, whut's he doin' in there?" Joe said.
I dunno. He jess keeps sayin' "Two-four, two-four, two-four......" 

4. 




What Not to Name Your Dog

Everybody has a dog called Rover or Spot. I call my dog "Sex". When I went to city hall to 
buy a licence I told the clerk I wanted a licence for Sex. He said "I'd like one too." But 
then I said "This is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said "You 
don't understand I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said "You must have been quite 
a kid." When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel 
clerk that I wanted a room for my wife, me and a special room for Sex. He said that every 
room in the place was for sex. I said "You don't understand Sex keeps me awake at night." The 
clerk said "Me too." One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, 
the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. 
I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold my own 
tickets. "But you don't understand," I said. I hoped to have Sex on T.V. He called me a show 
off.

When my wife and I seperated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your 
honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said "Me too." Then I told him that after I 
was married Sex left. He said "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me 
and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said I'm looking 
for Sex. My case comes up Friday. 


5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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