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Today's jokes [1.24.11]

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   One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a
   show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same
   sentence twice.
   
   First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father
   bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
   
   "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little
   Michael.
   
   "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully,"
   he said.
   
   "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.
   
   "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she
   was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fuckin' beautiful!'"
   


1. 




A blonde was plugging dollar after dollar into the
coke machine at a large Vegas casino. She kept
punching the buttons only to have happen what you'd
expect. Cans of soda popped out, one after the other,
and change too! 

After a while, she ran out of dollar bills so went
and got more. Back at it she went, blocking the way
to the other vending machines with the mounting pile
of soda. All kinds. It didn't seem to matter to the
young lady. 

People were starting to gather, seeing this beautiful
woman enthusiastically plugging money in like it was
fun. The people were gathering more though waiting their
turn at the machines. 

After watching a while, someone asked from the rear of
the group, 'Hey, how much soda does one blonde need?' 

'Hey back off, buddy,' she retorts, 'can't you see I'm
winning here?' 



2. 




                            Birth of a Candy Bar
     
   
     It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.  I saw Miss
     Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and
     Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "hey
     Sweetheart, how'd you like to Krunch on my big hunk for a Million
     Dollar Bar?"  Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll,
     and it was like Pure Almond Joy!  I couldn't help but grab her
     delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little
     Twix had the Red Hots.  It was all I could do to hold the Snicker
     and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat
     and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!"  Soon she was
     fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long
     before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of
     the old Milky Way.  She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said,
     "Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff."  I said "Look you little Reese's
     Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver.  Why don't you take my
     Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?" (What a piece
     of Juicy Fruit she was, too!)  She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack,
     you're better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong
     up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.  Well, I was
     giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden...my
     Starburst!  Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow
     Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.  Sure enough,
     nine months later, out popped...........Baby Ruth!
  


3. 




why do women have legs?

have you ever seen the mess that slugs leave behind!??

4. 




    Eugene d'Albert (noted German composer) was married six
   times. At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife
   shortly after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who
   said politely, "Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely
   introduced me to so charming a wife."
   During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet
   luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a
   second helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?"
   "Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for
   white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely.
   The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from her
   guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged
   if you would pin this on your white meat."
   Sentenced to two years hard labor (for Sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood
   handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If this
   is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked," she
   doesn't deserve to have any."
   James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in
   his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in
   later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major
   general."
   German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained,
   "Only one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then
   added, "And he didn't understand me."
   Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly
   pointed out of the car window and said, " That is the most frightening
   sight I have ever seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing
   more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his
   hand on the child's shoulder. "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock,
   leaning out of the car. "Run for your life!"
   Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate,
   got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular story
   circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by
   his wife crying, "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house."
   "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate maybe,
   but not in the House."
   Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in vain
   to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained
   unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In
   the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US
   Government -- $40,000."
   Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her
   what disguise she would recommend for him. She said, "Why don't you
   come sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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