Today's jokes [1.24.11]
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One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a
show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father
bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully,"
"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she
was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fuckin' beautiful!'"
A blonde was plugging dollar after dollar into the
coke machine at a large Vegas casino. She kept
punching the buttons only to have happen what you'd
expect. Cans of soda popped out, one after the other,
and change too!
After a while, she ran out of dollar bills so went
and got more. Back at it she went, blocking the way
to the other vending machines with the mounting pile
of soda. All kinds. It didn't seem to matter to the
People were starting to gather, seeing this beautiful
woman enthusiastically plugging money in like it was
fun. The people were gathering more though waiting their
turn at the machines.
After watching a while, someone asked from the rear of
the group, 'Hey, how much soda does one blonde need?'
'Hey back off, buddy,' she retorts, 'can't you see I'm
Birth of a Candy Bar
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss
Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and
Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "hey
Sweetheart, how'd you like to Krunch on my big hunk for a Million
Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll,
and it was like Pure Almond Joy! I couldn't help but grab her
delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little
Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold the Snicker
and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat
and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!" Soon she was
fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long
before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of
the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said,
"Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said "Look you little Reese's
Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my
Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?" (What a piece
of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack,
you're better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong
up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was
giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden...my
Starburst! Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow
Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough,
nine months later, out popped...........Baby Ruth!
why do women have legs?
have you ever seen the mess that slugs leave behind!??
Eugene d'Albert (noted German composer) was married six
times. At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife
shortly after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who
said politely, "Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely
introduced me to so charming a wife."
During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet
luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a
second helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?"
"Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for
white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely.
The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from her
guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged
if you would pin this on your white meat."
Sentenced to two years hard labor (for Sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood
handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If this
is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked," she
doesn't deserve to have any."
James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in
his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in
later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major
German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained,
"Only one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then
added, "And he didn't understand me."
Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly
pointed out of the car window and said, " That is the most frightening
sight I have ever seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing
more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his
hand on the child's shoulder. "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock,
leaning out of the car. "Run for your life!"
Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate,
got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular story
circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by
his wife crying, "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house."
"No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate maybe,
but not in the House."
Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in vain
to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained
unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In
the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US
Government -- $40,000."
Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her
what disguise she would recommend for him. She said, "Why don't you
come sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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