Today's jokes [1.13.11]
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What is the difference between a English actuary and a Sicilian actuary?
An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next
year. A Sicilian actuary can give you their names...
An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when
all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, giff me
beck the party!"
She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over
He says, "What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da
She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."
He says, "Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove
it in you-know-vere!" And he hangs up.
Two days later he opens the door and there are two big,
strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your
He says, "Vy?"
They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago.
But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the
He says, "Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry?" He goes
to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello,
Operator28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I
told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere?"
She says, "Yes?"
He says, "Vell, get ready -- dey're bringin' it to ya!"
What do you call a man with his right hand in a sharks mouth?
John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. One day, John
suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool. David jumped in
and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act.
He immediately order David to be discharged from the mental hospital as
he is OK.
Doctor: We have good news and bad news for you, David. The good news is
that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses,
since you are able to jump in and save another patient you are now a
normal person. The bad news is that, the patient Mr. John, whom you have
saved, hung himself in the toilet, and died.
David: Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry
The Young Man's Big Mouth
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says
come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've
been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the
condoms because I think
tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then
we're going out. And
I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me,
she'll want me all the
time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her
parents. He asks if he
might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but
continues praying for
several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that
you were such a
religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me
that your father is a
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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