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Today's jokes [1.1.11]

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During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy
back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a 
red faced colonel at the wheel.  "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked
the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the
keys, "*Yours* is."

1. 




A tough case was being argued in court.  The defense attorney,
feeling that he was in trouble, sent the judge a bottle of
hundred-year old brandy.  The defendant was fit to be tied.

"The judge'll kill me.  Trying to bribe him!  We're dead!"

"I don't think so," his attorney told him.  "I sent it in the 
other lawyer's name!"

2. 




You might be a redneck if you check the mileage on your home.

3. 




One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly
rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-
influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out
of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five
different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front
seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone
left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and
began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver,
read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The
results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded
to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm
the Designated Decoy." 

4. 




An old man and woman were married for years even though 
they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, 
screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A 
constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the 
man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the 
grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible 
for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He 
was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral 
had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to 
the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. 

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her 
neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are 
you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who 
practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig 
his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for 
the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. 
I had him buried upside down."

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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