Today's jokes [9.8.10]
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A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the
first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens,
cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the
nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to
amuse him with.
Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the
dogs, and go shooting?" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with
enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.
After a few hours, the nephew returned.
"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.
"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.
Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a
neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer. Incensed
at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, "Hey,
if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable
for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much
was the roast?" "$7.98." A few days later the butcher received a
check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read:
"Legal Consultation Service: $150."
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the
doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week
and my fiancee is still a virgin." The doc said, "I'll have to put your
penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay
next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little
4-sided splint, held together with surgical wire. It was an impressive
work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry
and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse
to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw
them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these
He pulls down his pants, whips out his splinted cock and says, "Look at
this beauty, it's still in the CRATE!"
"Mr. Chilton," the analyst said, "I think this will be your last
"Does that mean I'm cured?" he asked.
"For all practical purposes, yes," she said. "I think we can
safely say that your kleptomania is now under control. You
haven't stolen anything in two years, and you seem to know
where the kleptomania came from."
"Well, that's terrific, Doctor. Before I go, I'd like to tell you
something. Although our relationship is strictly professional, it's
been one of the most rewarding of my life. I wish I could do
something to repay you for helping me."
"You've paid my fee," the doctor said. "That's the only
responsibility you have."
"I know," Chilton said. "But isn't there some personal favor I
could do for you?"
"Well," the doctor said, "I'll tell you what. If you ever suffer a
relapse, my son could use a nice portable color television."
Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses
were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to
the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt
The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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