Today's jokes [9.5.10]

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Man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is
happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's
poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her,
I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke
to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You
want my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi

Woman: Two *Achoo!* tickets, please. 
Clerk: Have you purchased tickets here before? 
Woman: *cough* No. 
Clerk: Then I need your address. 
Woman: Okay. It's 260..*AHEM* Sorry..Laryngitis... 
Clerk: You'll have to spell that one for me.

An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in
the center of the tomb there is a lamp. So he picked it up and started
to rub the dirt off of it, and out came a genie out of the lamp and he
said "I want to know the person you hate the most"
The explorer said "That's gotta be my ex-wife. Why?"
"I am a cursed genie, I will grant you three wishes but whatever you
wish for your ex-wife will get double the amount."
"OK, I wish for a billion dollars"
"Granted, but your ex-wife gets two billion"
"I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis
courts, everything"
"Granted your ex-wife gets two. This is your final wish"
The explorer walked around the room and came back to the genie with a
stick and said "Ya see this stick, I'd like you to beat me half to death." 

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Mike and Keith are playing golf one hot Sunday afternoon.
   While approaching the sixteenth hole, they notice an old golfer teeing up 
   by himself. The two friends stop and wait for the older golfer to finish 
   his hole. After the old man drives the ball a considerable distance down 
   the fairway, he collapses on the green. Mike and Keith run up the fellow 
   to help. After feeling the old man's pulse, Mike tells Keith to run to the 
   club house and call 911.
   Keith leaves and returns about two minutes later after making the
   call. Upon returning Keith, sees the old man naked and bent over a nearby 
   bench. Meanwhile, Mike is screwing the unconscious man vigorously. Keith 
   in astonishment says, "Hey, What are you doing? I thought you were going to
   give him CPR." Mike replies, "Well, it started off that way."

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