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Today's jokes [9.30.10]

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   But let's get real here guys, I mean who exactly are we kidding ? A
   husband controls his wife in much the same manner as a barometer
   controls the weather.


1. 




Two executives working in the garment center are having lunch together. 
Goldstein says to his friend, "Last week was one of the worst weeks of my 
entire life."

"What happened?" asks Birnbaum.

Goldstein moans, "My wife and I went to Florida on vacation. It rained for 
seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands of 
dollars on the credit card. I came back to New York and found out that my 
brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions. And, to 
top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning, I found my son 
having sex with the garment model on my desk!"

"You think you had a bad week?" responds Birnbaum. "My week was even 
worse! I went to Florida on vacation with my wife and it rained for seven 
days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands on the 
credit card. Then, when I got back to New York, I found out that my 
brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions. And, to 
top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning, I found my son 
having sex with the garment model on my desk!"

"How can you say that your week was worse than mine?" asks Goldstein. "It 
was identical!"

"You shmuck!" replies Birnbaum. "I manufacture men's garments..."

2. 




A fellow, who had spent his whole life in the desert, comes to visit 
a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.  While
standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears this
whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.

Predictably, he's hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was
only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive some minor internal
injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house
attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears
the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet
and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable
lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen,
sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good
tea kettle?"

The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're
small."

3. 




A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the
Maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait.
"Would you like to wait in the bar, Sir?", he says.
The man goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?"
The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."
The bartender pauses for a few seconds, then smiles and
says, "Once upon time, there were FOUR little peegs . . . "

4. 




   With the divorce rate so high in America, a new organization has been
   formed called "Marriage Anonymous." Whenever a guy feels like getting
   married, they send over a woman with crulers in her hair, cream on her
   face and wearing a torn housecoat to nag him out of it.


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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