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Today's jokes [9.29.10]

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A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by
   two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to
   learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. During
   the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was
   decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go
   with the other. As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the
   men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach
   the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the
   little boys up by their armpits, one by one. As she lifted one, she
   couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an
   elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
   "No ma'am" he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow.
   Thanks for the lift anyhow."


1. 




IDEAL DATE

At      17         Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
        25         "Split the check before we go back to my place"
        35         "Just come over."
        48         "Just come over and cook."
        66         Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

2. 




   A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in
   their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he
   could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor. He gave them
   thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests, then
   concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On
   your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some
   grapes and some doughnuts."
   
   "Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across
   the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's 'love canal'.
   Then, on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and
   retrieve the grape using only your tongue."
   
   "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the
   room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his
   'love pole'. Then, like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume
   the doughnut."
   
   The couple went home and their sex life became more and more
   wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should
   see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would
   not take the case unless he felt that he could help them. He conducted
   the physical exams and the same battery of tests.
   
   Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will
   not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will
   ever be. I cannot help."
   
   The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the
   Browns, now please, please help us."
   
   "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office,
   stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of
   Cheerios..."


3. 




A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after 
staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, 
walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began 
fondling her. 

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought 
you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she 
screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

4. 




A father came home from a long business trip to find his son 
riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. "Where did you get the 
money for the bike? It must have cost $300." 

"Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking." 

"Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth." 

"That is the truth," the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, 
Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see 
Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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