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Today's jokes [9.26.10]

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How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

How many can you afford? 


1. 




Temperatures and What They Mean



     40     Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming.

     35     Italian cars don't start.

     32     Water freezes.
 
     30     You can see your breath.  Politicians begin to worry about the
            Homeless.

     25     Boston water freezes.
            Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you.

     20     Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream.
            You can hear your breath.

     15     N.Y. City water freezes.
            Politicians begin to talk aobut the homeless.

     12     You plan a vacation to Mexico.

     10     Too cold to snow

      5     You need jumper cables to get the car going.
            Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.

      3     You plan a vacation in Houston.

      0     Too cold to skate.
            American cars don't start.

     -5     You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.

    -10     Too cold to think.
            Politicians actually do something about the homeless.

    -15     Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you.
            You need jumper cables to get the driver going.

    -20     You plan a 2-week hot bath.

    -25     The mighty Monongahela freezes.
            Japanese cars don't start.

    -30     Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button...

    Below -30     The kids call home from college.
                  
                  End of the world...



2. 




A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.
The attorney asks, "Before you signed the
death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" 
The coroner says, "No." 
The attorney then asks, "Did you listen for a heart beat?" 
"No." 
"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken
any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?" 
The corner, now tired of the brow beating says, "Well, let me
put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my
desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law
somewhere." 

3. 




Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit 
her grandmother, when suddenly The Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a 
tree.
"Ah-ha....," The Big Bad Wolf said, "Now I've got you and I'm going to
eat you! EAT! EAT! EAT!..."
Little Red Riding Hood said angrily,
"Damn it, doesn't anybody fuck anymore?"

4. 




Night. A sleeping couple is lying in a bed. Door bell rings. A couple 
wakes up.
Woman: "Quick! My husband is back!"
Man jumps out from a window. Flying down he starts to think: "Shit! But I 
am the husband!"

Sent by Ser



5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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