Today's jokes [9.25.10]
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A man, being on top of a woman, says after a while:
"Honey, your tits are too small, and your box
is too tight,"
"Get off my back, dear!" she replies
Q. Whats long, hard and full of semen??
A. A submarine.
Sent by sam
I am a sailor in the US Coast Guard. My parents live in the suburb of
Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married
to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for
growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other
two sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City. I have two brothers, one
who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for rape and
murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being
held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of incest with his three
children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute
who lives in the Bronx and indeed is still a part-time "working girl" in a
brothel. However her time there is limited, as we hope to open our own
brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would
be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to
prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the street,
and hopefully the heroin... Abby, my problem is this: I love my fiance
and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to
be totally honest with her... Should I tell her about my cousin who voted
Worried about my reputation
If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, then how do they get baby oil?
I HAD A BAD DAY
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change
the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into
Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy
would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at
12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly told
the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day
"No problem." said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my
wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour,
she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex
with him. So today I was going to come home too and catch them. Well,
I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this
guy. My wife was half-naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire
apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was going to
give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that
there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of
that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and
promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground.
But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall
and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more, so in a rage I went
back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at
him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the
refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and
heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had
a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The angel sat back and though for a moment. Technically, the guy DID
have a bad day, and it was a crime of passion, so he announced, "OK,
Sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. "OK, here's the rule. Before
I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."
"Sure thing" the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I
was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily
exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over
the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips
on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy
man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping
on my fingers! Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on
the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm
laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating
pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the
ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his
story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself.
"Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,"
and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell
me about the day you died," said the angel.
"OK, picture this, " says the man. "I'm naked inside a
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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