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Today's jokes [9.25.10]

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A man, being on top of a woman, says after a while: 
"Honey, your tits are too small, and your box
is too tight,"

"Get off my back, dear!" she replies

1. 




Q. Whats long, hard and full of semen??

A. A submarine.

Sent by sam

2. 




Presidential Election'2000

Dear Abby,

I am a sailor in the US Coast Guard. My parents live in the suburb of
Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married
to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for
growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other
two sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City. I have two brothers, one
who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for rape and
murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being
held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of incest with his three
children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute 
who lives in the Bronx and indeed is still a part-time "working girl" in a 
brothel. However her time there is limited, as we hope to open our own 
brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would 
be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to 
prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the street,
and hopefully the heroin... Abby, my problem is this: I love my fiance
and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to
be totally honest with her... Should I tell her about my cousin who voted
for Bush?

Signed,
Worried about my reputation

3. 




If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, then how do they get baby oil?

4. 




    I HAD A BAD DAY

   It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change
   the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into
   Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy
   would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at
   12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
   The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly told
   the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day
   you died."
   "No problem." said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my
   wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour,
   she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex
   with him. So today I was going to come home too and catch them. Well,
   I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this
   guy. My wife was half-naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire
   apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was going to
   give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that
   there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of
   that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and
   promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground.
   But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall
   and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more, so in a rage I went
   back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at
   him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the
   refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and
   heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
   The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had
   a heart attack and died almost instantly."
   The angel sat back and though for a moment. Technically, the guy DID
   have a bad day, and it was a crime of passion, so he announced, "OK,
   Sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
   A few seconds later the next guy came up. "OK, here's the rule. Before
   I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."
   "Sure thing" the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I
   was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily
   exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over
   the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips
   on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy
   man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping
   on my fingers! Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on
   the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm
   laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating
   pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the
   ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"
   The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his
   story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself.
   "Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,"
   and he lets the man enter.
   A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell
   me about the day you died," said the angel.
   "OK, picture this, " says the man. "I'm naked inside a
   Refrigerator......."


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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